“Oh the Classics”

After hearing, “He’s touching me.” and “He’s bothering me.” about five hundred times, from a seat containing one first grader and two kindergartners, I finally say, “Boys knock it off.” Whereupon Larry, Curly and Moe start hitting each other in the head saying, “Knock it off, knock it off, knock it off.

“What’s for Breakfast”

Got this breakfast recipe from a preschooler when I asked what she had for breakfast. Start with a piece of cheese toast. Next add five sun seeds, not the kind with the shell, no more than five or you will throw up. Then you add shicken nuggets to the top. For dessert get a sucker on the way to the bus.

“Them’s Fighting Words”

If there is one thing that bus drivers truly dread it is the fight that has to be broken up. I knew for sure that I was going to have to jump into action when I heard these words, in an angry voice, “Who you calling a coconut?” Luckily one of the kindergartners backed down.

“Clueless”

The twins, who are not twins, get on the bus and I greet them with the usual, “Good morning girls, how are you?” They look at me and you can tell they are holding their mouths closed tight. So I try again, “Girls have you been singing and dancing this pretty morning?” They look at each other and whisper in each other’s ears and then the spokesman approaches me and says, “You lost, we won.” In my defense, First: I didn’t know the rules. Second: I didn’t know I was playing. There is a few more moments of silence then a kindergartner speaks up and says, “Don’t worry, don’t worry Mr. Brandon I’ll have it all cleaned up in a jiffy.” Rules??? Game??? Clean up what??? I don’t know I’m just the driver. I have the feeling that I missed an early morning memo somewhere.

“All the Difference in the World”

Kindergartner, “Mr. Brandon he just said @#&*#*.” Looking at the perpetrator in the mirror I talk to him about how disappointed his father would be if he had heard him talk like that. His little smile disappeared, lip pooched out and he lowered his head. I had made my point he understood and all was as it should be. After a short pause he lifted his head with a puzzled look on his face and said, “Mr. Brandon would it be ok if I just said it in Spanish?”

“Mathematics”

Being a math teacher along with being a bus driver I often encounter situations that I think of in mathematical terms.  This morning I hear, “Mr. Brandon, __________ is chasing the bus.” In math terms the name in the blank is directly proportional to the amount of pressure applied to the gas pedal.

“How Long”

Drivers often wonder while they are trapped behind that bus just how long will the bus sit in front of that house waiting for that child before they go on down the road. Say this with me, “Dear Lord I pray that nothing has harmed this child in any way but if you have in your infinite wisdom decided that this child does not need to ride the bus today who am I to argue with your judgment and please let the bus accelerate at optimum speed, Amen. About that long.

“Out Break”

Kindergartner #1, “Mr. Brandon he keeps trying to grab my monkey.” A questionable phrase at best. Kindergartner #2, the monkey grabber, “Mr. Brandon have you ever heard of monkey kooties?” Now fearing I will need to call the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta or at least a psychiatrist for some counseling for the grabber and the grabbie, I was much relieved to look in the mirror and see the child holding a picture of a monkey in his hand. Step down from red alert.

“One Man’s Junk is Another Man’s…..”

Going down the road a preschooler pops up holding up a small piece of trash and says, “Look what I found on the floor.” I replied, “Oh, you sure are lucky to find that be sure and put that in your pocket because that’s good luck.” He disappeared and came back up with another lucky piece. So I encouraged him to keep that one also, before you know it all the preschoolers and kindergartners around him were looking for lucky pieces, it was like a modern day gold rush.   There were at least a half a dozen kids that went home with pockets full of luck. One was so lucky he told me that he had to start putting them in his jacket pocket.  By the way there is a spot on my bus that looks like a hoover went over it.

“Young Apprentice”

We have all had a question asked of us that we believe the answer should be very obvious and we tend to answer in a very sarcastic way, not that I have any practice being sarcastic.  So I’m driving down the road and a second grader, some of you know him as “hot pickle boy”, ask me, “So what are you doing?” In a tone fitting for such a question I reply, “I’m waterskiing, what are you doing?” Without hesitation and in the same tone he says, “I’m driving the boat.” I couldn’t have been prouder.

“Can’t Keep a Good Sucker Down”

See if you can spot the mistake in the story.  After a second grader gets on the bus he asks, “Can I eat this sucker?” I reply, “Do you really need candy this early in the morning?” “You know that sugar eats up your brain?” Second grader, “Ok, but can I have it?” After a few more sucker licking miles his buddy gets on the bus and being the good friends that they are he gives the sucker to him. They are health conscious so he wipes it on his pants first. In a few moments another student practicing his announcers voice say, “Sucker in the floor, I repeat sucker in the floor”.  The sucker was broken but as luck would have it the largest piece was still attached to the stick.  Retrieved and finished.  If you did not find the mistake, it was…… he didn’t wipe it on his pants again after he got it from the floor.

"All Things in Proportion"

I have it on good authority from a preschooler that new puppies have little tiny winkies. She seemed very confident in her statement.

“Mobile Dojo”

Upon hearing a great deal of noise and commotion coming from behind me, I look in the mirror to see two feet up in the air, more noise they disappear and now the little round, red headed face of a kindergartner appears.  After a discussion that started with, “What in the world are you doing?” It ended with one of many sentences that you would not think would be said on a school bus, “No you cannot practice your martial arts on the bus”.

“Education Has Come A Long Way”

    I know that we now teach information in the lower grades that we used to teach in middle school but I was told this today.  Kindergartner, “Mr. Brandon I can count to infinity…………In Spanish.  He then started counting, I listened closely I did not recognize many of the words but I’m sure that is to be expected when you approach infinity. He was true to his culture, as all good Southerners know if you just add an “o” on the end of the word it forms a Spanish word. Correcto my good friendo.